Negotiating the balance of control in any relationship has the potential to cause friction when individual choices are not aligned. If the relationship is fundamentally reciprocal and underpinned by care for one another’s well-being, the flow of control passes fluidly back and forwards between the two individuals, occasionally hitting an impasse when there is a difference of opinion on an important issue. However not all relationships are based on reciprocal care and respect for the well-being of one another. Here we are taking a closer look at the boundary between assertive negotiation and coercion.
Assertiveness requires us to be honest, to look at all the available facts relating to a situation and to discuss the decision calmly and openly, allowing both parties time and space to make their points, give their perspective and express how they feel about a situation, without threat of negative consequences.
- A sense of empathy and connection can be developed by asking one another to summarise the points made by the other person, so that everyone has been heard and understood.
- It is helpful to explain important points in positive terms, owning statements and opinions through the use of ‘I’ in sentences – ‘I would like to be sure that this will leave our finances in a positive position,’ ‘I want an outcome which is best for our child’s emotional well-being and security,’ ‘I would like to find a solution which leaves me free time to exercise on the weekend,’ ‘I’m trying to find a way forward which works for my career path in the future.’
- Expressing negative emotions clearly is helpful to feel validated and reach an understanding – ‘ I feel disappointed that you think that of me,’ ‘I would like you to know how hurt I am over that incident,’ ‘I was angry and am still annoyed that you did that without asking me.’ Expressing positive emotions also gives helpful signposts to the other person – ‘I will be so pleased if you find a way to compromise, so I can still go on the trip I booked,’ ‘My voluntary job makes me feel good about myself, that’s why I don’t want to give it up.’
- If a negotiation is feeling intense and difficult, it is valid to ask for time to step back, momentarily or for longer, to consider options, seek external advice and reach a conclusion. Scheduling a better time to discuss the issue may be helpful. Both parties have the right to change their mind before the point where action is taken.
What is coercion?
Consent to actions, agreements and transactions requires the time and mental capacity to understand the implications of the choice, seek relevant information or alternative options and the freedom to reach a decision without undue influence.
Coercion occurs when pressure or misrepresentation of the situation leads a person to give in to and prioritise the wishes or preferences of others over their own instincts, judgement, personal preferences, wishes or interests. When a person has been coerced, they have expressed doubts or objections verbally or non-verbally, e.g. through an uncertain or distressed tone of voice or facial expression, that they are not fully consenting to the choice that the other person is imposing on them and these objections have been disregarded. The individual may regret their capitulation at a later time, recognising that they are dissatisfied with the outcome. Persuasive techniques may be taught and deployed within business transactions under the umbrella of ‘influence’, but they are also used within close interpersonal relationships to gain advantage. Overt coercion involves threats or the misrepresentation of a situation, whereas covert coercion is harder to recognise, as it involves more subtle verbal and non-verbal means of influence. When coercion takes place, one person has failed to respect the boundaries which delineate the entitlement of another person to have their perspective, opinions and feelings heard, respected and accounted for in the negotiation.
Overt coercion
- Misrepresentation of the facts surrounding a situation by lying or withholding information to influence the outcome of a decision
- Physical force or threats of physical force
- Verbal and/or physical aggression through raised volume, a pressured and intense tone of voice, tense bodily stance and aggressive facial expression
- Financial threats – ‘I won’t pay child support if you don’t do this.’
- Blackmail, through threatening to release information that a person does not want made public or of self-harm
- Bribing a person into cooperative behaviour through offering an inducement
- Threats to affect a person’s reputation with others – ‘I’ll tell your boss/friend/children that you wouldn’t agree to this,’ ‘I’ll tell everyone your secret!’
- Threats that there will be a cost to disagreeing, such that the relationship will be damaged – ‘I’ll leave you if you don’t agree,’ ‘I won’t go to the event with you,’ ‘I won’t speak to you,’ ‘I won’t help you, if you don’t help me.’
Covert coercion
Covert coercion aims to undermine confidence in the other person’s point of view, emotions and decision-making to gain advantage over and control of another person’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions. The person who uses covert persuasion techniques may or may not be aware of their manipulation. Often the practices were learned in childhood as a strategy to maximise advantage in interacting with family members and arise from a fundamentally non-reciprocal approach to interpersonal relationships.
- Deflection involves changing the subject by bringing in past situations, facts and beliefs which are irrelevant to the current choice, by switching attention from the current issue to focusing on the needs of the person who is trying to coerce or through humour – ‘But what about me?’ ‘What about the time that you made things hard for me when you got everything wrong?’ ‘I gave in to you last week,’ ‘But see this from my point of view,’ ‘I just thought of something really funny that happened today.’
- Invoking the reciprocity principle (the common understanding that we are left ‘owing’ if we receive goods or services) – ‘But I did so much for you,’ ‘I bought you a new phone when you needed it,’ ‘You aren’t being fair to me.’
- Flattery – ‘You are my rock, I’m sure I can count on you,’ ‘You’re the only one who makes me happy like this,’ ‘But you’re so good at it,’ ‘No-one can take your place on this.’
- Time pressure – speaking fast, throwing irrelevancies into a discussion, interrupting and implying that there is an urgent deadline for a decision raises anxiety and prevents the other person from having the time and mental space to think a decision through clearly. Manipulators sometimes choose moments when the other person is distracted, tired or under the influence of alcohol to gain the upper hand.
- Repetition and the use of loaded words which have a strongly emotive association are linguistic techniques to persuade and influence outside of conscious awareness
- Acting vulnerable to invoke care – ‘I rely on you,’ ‘I’m sensitive and this is really upsetting me,’ ‘You know I don’t cope well with these situations,’ ‘I’m not as strong as you are,’ ‘My mental health is already so bad.’ The manipulative person may construct a narrative of neediness and helplessness around their state of physical or mental health, finances, their past or present difficulties, loneliness or personal incapacities. They may express distress non-verbally through crying, sad or dejected facial expressions and body language which suggests hopelessness and defeat. Over time, persistent ‘weaponised helplessness’ may create a dynamic where the person who is being manipulated increasingly responds to the manipulative person’s desire for unreciprocated love and care.
- Filtering – when the manipulator ignores everything which is being said by the other person that does not align with their wishes and focuses only on the content of the disagreement which fits with their own goals
- Identification – manipulators may emphasise everything you have in common, to give a false sense of alignment, in preparation for asking you for something that they want
- Criticism, put-downs, ridicule, shaming and undermining – ‘You’re too stupid to see what’s good for you,’ ‘You never were good at understanding these situations,’ ‘You aren’t taking all the facts into account,’ ‘I don’t trust your decision and you shouldn’t trust yourself either,’ This may extend to denigrating others outside the situation, ‘What does he know about this, he’s an idiot and you’re taking his opinion over mine,’ ‘She’s a loser, why would you listen to her?’ ‘You look so funny when you’re cross.’
- Playing the victim or martyr through blaming – ‘I never get what I want because of you,’ ‘ I work so hard and this is the thanks I get!’ ‘If I have to put up with this, it’s going to make me so depressed,’ ‘I’m the one who ends up worse off here, because of you.’
- Invoking guilt – ‘You always get your way,’ ‘You’re trying to undermine me,’ ‘You don’t want me to be happy,’ ‘I’ll be so badly off if you don’t help me here,’ ‘You’re being selfish,’ ‘Why is it all about you?’ ‘You never really listen to me,’ ‘This is the first opportunity I’ve had for happiness in years.’
- Gas-lighting occurs when a person distorts the truth about a situation or someone’s character in a way that casts doubt on the other person’s memory, perception of reality and even their sanity. It is aimed at making the person doubt themselves through causing confusion regarding what is or is not true. The technique leaves the other person finding it hard to respond, while experiencing a state of confusion in the form of cognitive dissonance, in which two incompatible versions of the truth cannot be mentally reconciled.
- Selective memory and denial – ‘You never told me that!’, ‘You had plenty of time to speak up, but never did,’ ‘I can’t remember that conversation taking place,’ ‘We didn’t agree that last week – it’s not true!’ ‘I never said that!’ ‘I didn’t know that.’
- Projection occurs when one person splits off and denies their emotions and perceives them as located in another person. An example of this could be when someone shouts, ‘Why are you so angry at me, you’re so aggressive!’ at a person who is trying to remain calm and reasonable. Another example is when a person says, ‘You’re trying to manipulate me, I won’t be persuaded by your guilt-tripping,’ when they are the one manipulating and persuading or when the manipulator says, ‘You’re trying to control me.’
- Dismissing the emotions of another – ‘You’re so emotional, can’t you see this rationally,’ ‘You always get hysterical, I can’t speak to you’ ‘You’re so sensitive,’ ‘Calm down!’
Coping with coercion
Being on the receiving end of coercion on a regular basis can leave a person feeling as if they have little control over their own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. They may eventually feel confused, helpless, unconfident, anxious and low in mood. The effort of frequently negotiating with someone who disregards their wellbeing and controls the situation to their own advantage can leave them drained. The person on the receiving end of coercion may find themselves endlessly replaying conversations in their head to try to understand why the outcome was so unsatisfactory, while believing that they are somehow ‘getting it wrong’.
- Recognise and mentally label the distortions of truth and techniques as they are arising or afterwards, on reflection.
- Sanity check – describe the interaction sequences to others in your life or online and look for the manipulative techniques.
- Interact with the person over text, so there is a record of agreements. Reluctance to put agreements in writing is a sign that a person is not wanting to commit to an outcome.
- Practice mindfulness and meditation to centre yourself within your own mental space. Spend time alone exercising, walking in nature, reading, listening to music or doing something creative.
- Maintain a full and satisfying life, including healthy relationships with others.
- Practice self-care and work on your self-esteem to counteract the effects of giving in to prioritising the needs of others over your own, without full consent.
- Understand boundaries as the expectations to be treated with respect and fairness in order to feel safe and promote trusting relationships. Practice assertiveness, however when being assertive feels unsafe due to threatening behaviour, mentally rehearse an assertive response in your head to hold onto your own point of view.
- Ask to have a moment to calm down and think during an intense interaction. If you feel unsure regarding a decision, set a date to respond when there has been sufficient time to weigh up the relevant factors in the situation.
- Seek professional assistance for the psychological and/or legal aspects of a relationship.
While coercion may occasionally take place during stressful negotiations, especially when there is a deadline or the outcome of the decision is significant or one person has legal responsibility for another, it is often an attempt to control a situation to the advantage of one party, over the needs and wishes of another in a way which is unfair. When one person is not accounting for the needs and wishes of the other person, but using every means at their disposal to get their way, there is no true negotiation or reciprocity. If there is a repeating pattern of interactions, in which one person is dominating another through coercion in order to get their way in most disagreements, it is a sign of bullying or manipulation within an abusive relationship and will erode trust over time. There may be a need to seek professional advice and support to plan a safe exit from the relationship for the longer term. Being subject to coercive control over time affects the sense of self, leading to insecurity, anxiety, low self-esteem, poor self-care and deteriorating mental health.
Locus of Solace 