Limerence is a word which was coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov, in 1979, in her book ‘Love and Limerence’. The concept is linked to the experience of ‘falling in love’ with another person, the limerent object. It is not necessary that there is sexual attraction between the person and their limerent object, although this is usually the case, nor that the limerent object is objectively liked or admired. It is distinct from lust (a sexual desire which is a motivation for sexual interaction) and from long-term love (a stable, secure relationship based on reciprocal attachment bonds and care).
Limerence is a psychological state which is characterised by a collection of symptoms:
- There is a narrowed, sometimes obsessive, focus on another person, the limerent object. This leads to a sense of being in a ‘bubble’ with that person, where their words and actions take on a significance beyond what is actually taking place. This can lead to obsessive and intrusive thoughts about them together with a detailed analysis of exchanges to find deeper meaning in the interactions.
- There is a sense of yearning for more contact and a draw towards seeking proximity, which feeds the obsessive thoughts, the desire for contact (e.g. frequent texting behaviour) and the wish to be physically close to the other person. Underlying this yearning is the drive to have one’s needs met through reciprocal attention from the limerent object and an underlying anxiety that they will not reciprocate. There may be attempts to influence the response from the limerent object through interactions to gain their attention, such as offering them contact, company, sexual favours, flattery, gifts, acts of kindness or service. However, attempts to control the behaviour of the limerent object may also take the form of negative interactions, such as criticism, online monitoring, stalking or threatening behaviours. There may be an underlying resentment at the limerent object for their lack of satisfactory responses.
- Mild limerence is nature’s way to alert us to a potential ‘mate’ or ‘soulmate’, someone we find physically, socially and emotionally attractive to some degree and it activates a mechanism to initiate attachment. It has been shown to relate to brain changes which are interpreted by the person experiencing it as ‘falling in love’ or having a crush. The brain biochemical state changes through activation of the dopamine (neurotransmitter) ‘seeking and motivation system’, driving the individual to seek proximity through behaviours aimed at getting closer to the limerent object. The aim is to gain attention and an emotional response from the limerent object in order to form a secure bond.
- Fantasy is a key component of limerence. Mild limerence results in pleasantly imaginative visualisations and day-dreams of romantic moments in which the need for attention and love are being met. The fantasies highlight the gap between what is desired and what is actually taking place. Limerence is commonly associated with the early ‘what if’ stage of a new romance. The deficit between the fantasy of what is wanted and the reality of the limerent object’s actual response drives attempts to bond.
- The period of intensely striving to attach to the limerent object may last anything from a few weeks or months to a few years and tends to dissipate when either the couple bond securely and the associated anxiety reduces or acceptance is reached that a secure union will never be achieved. Where there are barriers to the union, e.g. one party is unavailable due to having a partner, is physically remote or is emotionally unavailable, e.g. due to an avoidant attachment style or inadequate relating capabilities, the limerence may continue indefinitely.
- It has been suggested that when there were deficits in childhood emotional and attentional needs being met by early care-givers (parents) and the early attachment bond was insecure, the drive to attach is more easily switched on and less easily switched off. In some cases, shame-based trauma from rejection and criticism by parents is under the need to prove oneself worthy of the loving attention of the chosen person. Later in life, this person may invest excessive energy into securing attention, focus and care from a potential partner. When the limerent object doesn’t reciprocate, it causes distress and the person may try ever harder to gain the desired response. In the extreme, this could lead to obsessive behaviours which are either detrimental to the self or to the limerent object.
- A process of ‘intermittent reinforcement’ can be set up when the limerent object occasionally, but unreliably, responds positively. This results in the person who is striving to secure the bond trying ever harder to unsuccessfully chase diminishing rewards of attention, affection or care.
- Acceptance that the limerent object is never going to meet the unmet attentional and emotional needs or will only meet them at an unacceptable or unsustainable cost to the limerent person is key.
- Resolving the limerence requires an understanding that the normal attachment bond mechanism has been overactivated and that this may relate to early deficits in love, attention and validation. It is necessary to recognise that anxiety arising from the limerent object’s failure to reciprocate with the desired care and validation, rather than love, is the driving force which underpins the strong emotions.
- It may be necessary to cut all contact with the limerent object for a period or indefinitely, where practical.
- The person who is experiencing limerence can address the underlying anxiety linked to attachments through self-care, self-compassion and self-validating practices, to feel secure within themselves and self-soothe when the desire to contact the limerent object is active. In some cases, addressing underlying relationship trauma may be helpful.
A useful resource on limerence is the Youtube video by Heidi Priebe:Limerence: What Is It And How Do We Let It Go?
Locus of Solace 