Recognising Narcissism

Narcissism has two meanings. In one sense, we all lie somewhere on the scale of occupying ourselves with and prioritising our own needs and wishes. If a person were to attempt to live without taking care of their own needs at all, this would result in a failure to eat adequately, pay attention to physical well-being, take on the challenges of work and the need for financial resources and give regard to emotional well-being. In certain situations, such as deep depression, which manifests as a state of near paralysis, or delusional states, self-care may be altogether disregarded. So, narcissism (with a small ‘n’) is essential, as it leads to attending to basic physical, financial, social and emotional needs for survival.

However, there are a group of specifically defined Personality Disorders, which are diagnosed by suitably qualified professionals (e.g. a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist), which are deemed Narcissistic in character. Diagnosis is made on an assessment with reference to a list of specified criteria, with the purpose either of possible treatment or to give supporting information in a legal case. Some of the common diagnoses might range from psychopathy (characterised by emotionlessness in the face of the distress of others, impulsivity, a lack of empathy, remorse, compassion and acting in ways which are actively cruel, anti-social, manipulative and criminal), through malignant and grandiose Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Sociopathy, Borderline Personality Disorder, vulnerable Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder.

These diagnoses cannot be made by anyone without the necessary qualification. While diagnosis of these forms of Personality Disorders is limited to clinical settings, everyone needs to be able to recognise the behavioural characteristics of a person who is operating in a Narcissistic way. The descriptor ‘Narcissist’ is often used loosely to label anyone who behaves disagreeably, aggressively or in a self-centred way. However, the behaviours of those who have a Personality Disorder of this form are reliably self-motivated and follow specific patterns. It is useful for everyone to recognise the patterns linked to this set of disorders as Narcissists interact in non-reciprocal and exploitative ways so that those they interact with may be repeatedly emotionally, financially, sexually or physically harmed. This description of Narcissism is to assist identification of the problematic behaviours for the purpose of understanding the disorders and self-care.

The characteristics which are presented here are not necessarily all present in all of those with Personality Disorders, so are to be used as a guide, rather than a checklist.

1. Ego-centric, self-motivated, non-reciprocal modes of interacting with others. The fundamental modus operandi of a Narcissist is based on the belief, ‘It’s all about me.’ They may carry out acts of generosity and service to others, but will expect gratitude, kudos, praise, recognition and to feel heroic in return. They may want to be seen to carry out acts of material or practical care, but this is with the intent of feeling good about themselves. Outside of these possible outwardly visible behaviours, they are internally focused on meeting their own needs and desires. They are ultimately self-centred in that they may meet the needs of others, if it benefits them or costs little, but will consistently prioritise their own needs and wishes over those of others.
2. Limitations in empathy. The fundamental perspective is ego-centric and the fluid capacity to switch to taking the perspective of another person is limited. This may lead to arguing that the other person is in the wrong or misremembering an event, against all evidence to the contrary. 
3. A lack of compassion. Narcissists may be drawn to caring professions and voluntary positions and to assist others in need. They may speak in what sounds like sympathetic terms of others, but this is tinged with pity and a sense of superiority, rather than an empathetic understanding that all humans suffer. They may assist others in the expectation of recognition, gratitude and praise, rather than true compassion, in which the sensitivity to the suffering of others leads to sympathy and a wish to alleviate the suffering. They do not experience distress for the other person’s feelings if someone is hurt by their actions. In fact they may be repelled by seeing others suffer.

Morality, where present, may be rigidly applied as a set of learned rules, in which ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ are employed to judge behaviour, particularly of others. The moral code is an idiosyncratic construction which typically has been drawn from childhood understandings of ‘right and wrong’. Some Narcissists are cruel, taking pleasure or finding humour in the discomfort or pain of others and some actively inflict suffering on others.

4. The relationship to ‘reality’ is fluid according to what works best for them. They believe their own version of the ‘truth’ and will argue forcibly and manipulatively that the other person is wrong and they are right, regardless of any concrete evidence. This is an aspect of ‘gas-lighting’, where the Narcissist tries to undermine the other person’s view of reality, through presenting alternative versions of ‘reality’ and using language which implies that the person they are arguing with is deficient in some way, to induce guilt, shame, doubt and confusion.
5. Manipulation, dishonesty and projection. Narcissists lie, misrepresent the truth, try to undermine others by implying that they are in the wrong, ruthlessly suggest that the other person is guilty of some misdemeanor through accusatory statements, such as, ‘Don’t be so selfish,’ ‘You want your own way,’ ‘It’s all about you,’ etc. They project their own behaviour onto those around them, so that they will accuse the other person of lying, bullying, being dishonest, unfaithful or unfair, when these are their own faults.
6. Playing the victim. The Narcissist almost surely was a ‘victim’ of some form of unfair behaviour in childhood and continues to regard themselves this way. Under pressure, they will tend to regress to a less mature state and claim that the other person is treating them unfairly, in an attempt to induce guilt and gain control of the situation.
7. Paranoia and avoidant or chaotic attachment. Narcissists are difficult to get close to, although in the early phase, they may appear very open and intensely intimate on occasions. Deep inside, they were lonely in childhood and those needs for the praise, approval and love of others persist. The desire to receive those caring behaviours from others leads to manipulative ways of relating. However, they are also deeply distrustful of others and however consistently kind, caring and generous the other person is in interactions, the relationship will never reach a point of mutual trust. In the case of chaotic attachment, the relationship with a Narcissist will swing from close and intensely intimate to a paranoid stance, in which they believe that they are being mistreated in some way. A stable state of closeness cannot be reached and the other person is left feeling like a fish who is repeatedly reeled in and thrown back in the water.
8. A frequently shifting state of mind and poor emotional regulation. The Narcissist can feel challenging and exhausting to interact with, as their moods are often unregulated and impact how they respond at any given time. They may switch from appealingly pleasing, childlike and submissive or charmingly suave to dominatingly aggressive, to feeling themselves the victim and blaming everyone else, to confusingly manipulative, to grandiosely boastfulness or dictating to others, to hysterically distressed or in a murderous rage. Changes can be instantaneous, especially when their viewpoint is challenged or they feel slighted in some way. Those close to them may be left anxiously walking on egg-shells, so as not to trigger the change.
9. Multiple presentations of personality. The Narcissist may present as calm, confident, charming, pleasing, capable, good company and likeable. Weeks, months or years later, other personalities may emerge, which feel qualitatively different from the personality initially experienced. It feels as if something abruptly switches and their behaviour changes, then it eventually switches back and they often deny the aberrant behaviour. It may feel bewildering to those close to them, who are trying to find a consistent way forward.
10. Denial. Denial is a defence of the self in which reality and truth are discounted, covered up and unacknowledged. Narcissists make assertive statements which do not fit facts and later often deny what they have said. They may also ignore or blank out issues and problems which they do not want to address, which are making them feel insecure or ashamed, e.g. denying a serious health issue and not following medical advice or denying a problem with their child because it does not fit their desired perception of their offspring.
11. Shame, anger and apologies. Narcissists may be very sensitive to feeling guilt (the uncomfortable feeling associated with the sense of having done something wrong) and shame (the distressing feeling associated with a sense that one is defective, deficient, inadequate or ‘not good enough’). They may react strongly with anger or withdrawal in situations where they experience these difficult emotions and will tend to take any action to avoid the feelings through aggression, blaming others, lying, projecting the issue from themselves onto others, distraction though creating a drama or blank denial. Conflict is a feature of life alongside a Narcissist, as they do not easily compromise, believing themselves to be right. Anger can be extreme, including leading to violence, death threats or active acts of retribution. Apologies tend to be rare, insincere and partial.
12. Bullying, threats and acts of violence. Narcissists may resort to getting their way through aggressive behaviour or making threats, e.g. threatening to tarnish someone’s reputation, to visit the other person’s workplace, to harm children, to take legal action, to leave the relationship or to hit or strangle the other person. Sexual acts may be non-consensual. If subject to criticism or their plans are blocked, they may resort to retribution and will escalate the aggression. For this reason, assertive behaviour on the part of the person they are interacting with may result in a deteriorating situation.
13. Sensitive to criticism and reactive. Those close to Narcissists experience themselves as anxiously alert to avoiding provocation and triggering a negative reaction. Narcissists are very sensitive to the least implication that they are inferior or inadequate in any way. Some Narcissists may self-deprecatingly put themselves down, but if someone else implies that they are imperfect, it may be met with a strong negative emotional reaction. In the case of a serious wound to their sense of self, such as loss of status, being on the receiving end of criticism or a failure, they may go into a period of ‘decompensation’, in which they visibly regress into less mature behaviour and become hysterically distressed or angry or need to withdraw. 
14. Envy and competitiveness. Narcissists are constantly mentally comparing themselves to others with a fear that they might be inferior. They may make boastful, grandiose statements or verbalise comparisons. They may make comments to denigrate others and criticise them or speak about them to others behind their backs. However, this can also be something which is hidden, but underlies their interactions with others, in that they secretly look down on other people.
15. Attention-seeking and drama. Narcissists seek praise, gratitude, positive attention, sympathy and external validation. If they are unable to extract these positive responses from others, they will often actively create situations which elicit care, admiration and the interest of others. When other methods fail, they tend to find ways to create dramatic situations or exaggerate issues to gain the desired response from others or to invoke a negative response, rather than no response.
16. Insincerity. Narcissists will lie without remorse and will say anything in the heat of the moment to achieve the desired outcome. They will later deny whatever they have said, once it has served its purpose. Lying may be very convincing due to the lack of a sense of remorse or compassion for the person who has believed them, on the principle that the other person’s need for honesty is insignificant.
17. Immaturity and lack of responsibility. Narcissists have an underlying immaturity which is seen in times of stress in behaviours which are similar to a young child, through lying to get their way, blaming others, seeing themselves as a victim, throwing their emotions at others and expecting everyone else to take responsibility for situations. They assume that others will ‘pick up the pieces’ and do not take responsibility for repairing a relationship. Some Narcissists are irresponsible with money, work life, running a household, caring for children, health and safety or respecting the law in their actions. In a deeper sense, they do not take responsibility for ensuring that attachment bonds are maintained through contacting others, behaving reciprocally, repairing rifts or supporting others emotionally.
18. Entitlement and expectations of perfection. Narcissists have a fundamental underlying expectation that the rest of the world ought to meet their needs perfectly. Partners or children are berated for any least fault or impacting negatively on the narcissist through any small failure. Organisations are expected to perform perfectly and complaints may result if they do not. When there are failures, this can lead to anger, distress and criticism. However much praise, admiration, validation, assistance, support, success, money, sympathy, attention the Narcissist receives, it is never enough. It is as if they are a bottomless pit of need.
19. Splitting. Narcissists tend to view others in terms of how well they perform in meeting their wishes from one moment to the next. While the other person is making them feel good about themselves, that person is idealised as ‘good’ and regarded as being on the pedestal. Once the other person is experienced as ‘failing’ in some way, by not meeting the Narcissist requirements, the view of that person switches abruptly and completely so that they are seen as ‘bad’. There is a polarised way of thinking about others, in relation to the Narcissist’s needs, which lacks a balanced, holistic view of others as having their own autonomy.
20. Superficial, transactional and non-reciprocal in relationships. Due to the limitations in empathy, the ego-centricity and self-absorption, Narcissists tend to see others in terms of superficial characteristics. They may choose those associated with themselves on the basis of visibly attractive characteristics, such as appearance, status, wealth, intelligence, talents or skills. They associate with others who make them feel good about themselves, so may also choose sensitive, warm, empathetic and caring companions who provide support or those with low self-esteem or status whom they can put down repeatedly. Relationships with others are seen in terms of transactions which yield results and the Narcissist will invest in others if they expect a return. If the return does not materialise as expected, they typically become resentful. Due to the ego-centric stance and lack of full empathy with compassion, relationships never fully develop as deeply mutual and reciprocal.
21. Unstable, capricious and erratic. They tend to cycle between experiencing others as good and bad, relating in ways which are close and then distant, between being calm and distressed or angry, between rationality and irrationality. Changes in behaviour can be sudden and extreme, leaving others struggling to know how to respond. Impulsive behaviour is often a feature, in which they take unreasonable risks or actions and later are unable to explain why they behaved in that way.
22. Irrational and confusing. Narcissists may come out with bizarre statements which are untrue, try to persuade others forcibly that ‘black is white’ and argue in endless circles which go nowhere. When under pressure, for example, when they have done something unacceptable and it has come to light, they may tell lies, distract with irrelevant discussion or extreme emotions and try to persuade the other person that they are in the wrong (under-mining) or insane or mis-remembering (gas-lighting). People who live with them may feel confused whose perspective is correct, concerned that they are ‘doing something wrong’ and wonder if they are mistreating the Narcissist.
23. Lack of self-insight. Self-reflection and self-awareness are difficult for Narcissists, as perspective-taking is limited. They tend to refuse any suggestions of professional assessment as they do not want to accept that there may be something in themselves which is causing the conflicts with others and are afraid to potentially uncover defects. On occasions where they interact with professionals, they will mimic conventional and agreeable behaviour, perhaps including idealisation and flattery of the professional, while convincingly explaining why others are at fault. They use a pleasing manner to ‘win over’ and impress, while trying to get the professional to collude with the belief that the problem lies elsewhere. If the professional suggests anything which hints of a deficiency in the Narcissist, they will typically leave and declare the clinician unsound. However, there may be rare momentary flashes of insight, in which the Narcissist acknowledges being less than easy to be with.
24. Grandiosity and fantasy. Some Narcissists have delusions of grandeur, in which they fantasise that they are headed towards a fulfilling, high status future in which others will admire them. However high-achieving they are, the fantasy will always be at a higher level still. They may delusionally believe that they are capable of controlling aspects of the world which they are not. They may try to dominate others in acting out their beliefs about themselves. They repeatedly point to the things they have done for others and expect endless gratitude. Acts of service to others are exaggerated in significance. The defence of grandiosity hides the underlying poor sense of self-value. 
25. Vulnerability and fantasy. Some Narcissists present as outwardly modest, quiet, reserved and cautious with others. There may be aspects of paranoia in the way they interact with and speak about others. They may have an apparently humble self opinion, but also tend to put others down or idealise them. They are typically outwardly less devious, aggressive and drawn to conflict than other narcissists. However internally, they have imaginative fantasies of being superior to others, of scenarios in which they are the successful and admired, heroic protagonist. These may be acted out in online scenarios, in watching dramas or in books they read. In the rare situation where they become close to someone, the fantasies may start to manifest in their behaviour, e.g. in sexual practices or seeking praise. Some narcissists are very secretive and do not allow anyone past certain boundaries, while living most of their interactions with others solely in fantasies, which support their self esteem.
26. Charm and an attractive outer persona. Maintaining a good reputation is a key goal of Narcissists and they often carefully curate the aspects of themselves which they allow others to see. This may manifest in vanity, secretiveness or dishonesty. They may cover up their failures through silence, lies or blaming others. Narcissists tend to create a very plausible outer persona, which is likeable and draws others towards them. They may create an almost mesmerising aura of sincerity, trustworthiness though attentive engagement in conversation with others, which makes them appear highly attractive as companions. Interactions may feel very focused in attention and tend to be emotionally intense.
27. Sexual infidelity. Narcissists seek admiration and excitement, so it is not unusual for them to be unfaithful or engage in online infidelity. Sexual practices may include acts of dominance or acts which inflict pain, humiliation or involve risk of harm or discovery. Even where there is fidelity, their behaviour may be characterised by a flirtatious, charming nature which engages the attention of others.
28. Impulsivity and risk taking. Self-regulation is problematic, so engaging in high risk activities, such as addictions, risky sports and activities, gambling, violence, high-risk jobs, high-risk travel, fraud and other risky financial activities are sometimes associated with Narcissism. Decisions may be made without due regard to the available information, on the basis that they ‘know better’ than experts.
29. Financial irregularities and appropriating property of others. As Narcissists tend to feel entitled to ‘own the world’ they may use the money or property of others without regard for the legal owner.
30. Exploitative. Narcissists can be ruthless in taking whatever they want from others in terms of manipulating those around them to offer praise, emotional support, labour of all kinds, money, sexual favours and anything else that they want in the moment. They may encourage others close to them to cut back on self care of all kinds, e.g. spending time with friends and family, taking adequate rest and sleep, spending money on themselves, pursuing a career, exercise and anything else which confers well-being. The Narcissists typically will keep those close to them alive, as they are providing support of some form, but do not have concern for the well-being of others in mind.
31. Devaluing. They use put-downs, criticism, lack of affection, attention, love and care to imply the low worth of those around them directly and indirectly. Typical phrases could be: ‘You’re oversensitive!’ ‘You’re overthinking this!’ ‘You’re being selfish!’ ‘What about my needs, you’re always thinking about yourself?’ ‘I’ve apologised, what more do you want?’ ‘You’re getting hysterical/behaving irrationally,’ ‘You just want an argument,’ ‘You don’t believe me, what are you saying, that I’m a liar?’ ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ ‘You don’t know how lucky you are, with all I do for you – you ought to be grateful!’ ‘You’re so ugly, no-one else would want you!’ and ‘You’re so stupid, how would you manage without me?’ ‘You’re the only one who believes that,’ ‘You’re over-reacting.’Others are seen as providing resources rather than being valued and respected as individuals. Some Narcissists are actively Machiavellian and will devise strategies to take advantage of others in scams, confidence tricks or fraud. They may also work to defame others, e.g. in a work environment, with an on-going smear campaign to damage the reputation of another person who is targeted. Others tend to be seen as pawns in the game of achieving their goals. They do not experience their children as having intrinsic value, rather their value is based on how well their qualities and achievements reflect positively on the Narcissist.
32. Treating those who are more distant in connection better than those who are closely connected. Contrary to others, Narcissists tend to treat those they have recently met and those they see in settings such as work and clubs well, fostering a good reputation with those outside the home, whereas they treat those close to them, such as partners and children, as useful resources. This may extend to ‘virtue signalling’, in which they conspicuously carry out ‘good deeds’ which they refer to as evidence of their good character. However, those close to them may be treated as having little value.
33. The Narcissistic Martyr. This is a person who works tirelessly for the apparent benefit of others or a job, but those around have no say in what is done for them and there are no appropriate boundaries. Others are expected to be grateful, while the martyr presents themselves as a ‘virtuous and overworked victim’. It is a strategy for control of others through ensuring that the other person is forever in debt and offering praise and gratitude. The acts of service are performed without regard to wishes of others or accompanying affection. The ‘martyr’ takes roles of both ‘victim’ and ‘hero’, in seeing themselves as devoting to a moral cause, family or work role. They may work obsessively, without regard for self-care, and head into exhaustion and burn out. They expect a level of gratitude and praise which can never be met by others, so feel as if they are endlessly sacrificing heroically. In fact, the purpose of the sacrifice and overwork is to demonstrate their virtuosity and feel good about themselves.
34. Control and the need to be on top. Alongside demanding whatever they want and need to make themselves feel good, the Narcissist uses every method at their disposal to control others. This may be effected through bullying, direct aggression and threats of aggression, inducing guilt and shame through criticism, reducing the self-esteem of the other person over time through endless devaluing, playing the victim, confusional tactics, gas-lighting, lying and relentless persistence. Having control over their physical and social environment is an on-going endeavour. They may go to extreme lengths to retain the dominant position in a situation, including causing harm to others in the service of achieving control. This can lead to a situation where the other person is always made to feel ‘in the wrong’, whatever they do, to maintain the balance of control.
35. Boundaries. Narcissists not only disregard boundaries with others, but fail to recognise that there are boundaries with others. They do not recognise or respect the needs and well-being of others, so will carry out actions which negatively impact others without regard for the outcome. Any moral code which they might adhere to tends to be based on simplistic rules they have learned or a fear of retribution from others, including those in authority.
36. Striving to feel good about themselves. Narcissists tend to seek success, admiration and status. Even if they are unable to achieve those directly, they will align themselves with attractive, interesting and high status others whom they boast about. Additionally, they may have a rich internal fantasy life which satisfies their desire to feel good about themselves.
37. Children. They tend to see their children as vehicles for enhancing their own status, so will emphasise physical appearance, visible achievements, perfect or dominant behaviour and social acceptability. This may either be through regarding their children as ‘golden’ individuals and seeing no imperfections or pressuring their children into performances ever closer to their view of perfection. They may demonise one child and idealise another and visibly treat children very differently in ways which are noticeably unfair. They tend to appropriate the achievements and successes of their children as if they are their own, in referring to their own looks, sporting abilities or intelligence as manifesting in their children. 
38. Conflicts, cooperation, negotiation and oppositional behaviour. Narcissists want to retain control over situations and want to achieve the outcome which suits them from situations. They are not natural negotiators, as making concessions leads them to feel as if they are losing in a situation. Cooperative team-working with others for a mutually beneficial outcome are not in line with internally held goals. If they experience another person as trying to persuade them towards a particular outcome, they may become very stubborn and argue the opposite point of view, simply to retain control. The result is that conflicts may be frequent and explosive, unless the other person is extremely tolerant and soothing.
39. Romantic relationships with Narcissists tend to start with an idealisation phase, where the Narcissist sees the target partner as an exact fit for what they want and consequently behaves in an intensely charming way which mimics the characteristics which the target is seeking. The mimicry is often extremely proficient and difficult to identify. This phase may involve intense ‘love-bombing’ in which behaviour is adapted to make both the target and the Narcissist feel as if they are ideally suited, having wonderful times together and becoming very close. In fact, the behaviour is not sincere and is unsustainable. Gradually, over time, criticism and manipulative behaviours creep in, as a way to gain advantage in the relationship. The target may initially ignore the devaluing and controlling behaviour and the lack of compassion, as they become caught up in the intensity of the relationship and read this as a sign of the depth of the bond. The changes in the nature of the relationship may take weeks, months or years or may only emerge after some form of commitment has been made, such as buying a property, getting married or having a child together. The relationship heads into cyclical behaviours based around manipulation and control, in which crumbs of warmth, closeness, attention or respite from cruelty are ever more sparingly offered. The Narcissist may or may not apologise for hurtful behaviours, but there are no sincere attempts at reparation, just sufficient effort is made to ensure that the partner remains in the relationship. Over years, the behavioural patterns are visibly repetitive and cyclical. Emotional intensity of relating and brief moments of apparent vulnerability and closeness substitute for the building of a trust which allows true intimacy. This can result in a ping-pong effect, where the other person feels pulled in, only to be on the receiving end of boundary-crossing behaviours, which have them needing to distance themselves. The Narcissist then skillfully encourages them to become closer again, only for the cycle to repeat.
40. Narcissists very rarely go for treatment as they tend to see everyone around them as causing the problems, by not giving them what they want. Engaging with treatment would require admitting that they need to change, as something is wrong, invoking the shame which they are avoiding. While emotional regulation may improve over decades or in treatment, the fundamentally ego-centric way of relating to others is extremely difficult to change and control, as the capacity for self-reflection, empathy and compassion are so limited.

There is evidence that there may be genetic factors in the development of personality disorders. It could, for example, be that limitations in empathy, sensitivity to shame and emotional regulation underpin some of the characteristic behaviours. Studies on psychopathy have found very early differences in brain function which relate to a lack of empathy, sympathy and compassion. However, for Narcissism to develop, there is also a deficit in the experience of a loving attachment relationship in the very early years of the infant’s life. This may be due to an absence of an empathetically loving parent or to an abusive parent. Both nature and nurture appear to be necessary for the alternative developmental pathway to be taken by a very young child. Examples of primary carers who struggle to emotionally nurture their infant might be parents who were emotionally absent, physically neglectful, addicted to substances, aggressive, violent, had serious, potentially diagnosable mental health or psychiatric issues, including severe depression, lacked empathy due to neurodivergence, lived in extreme poverty or were universally permissively indulgent to the infant, however they behaved. Not uncommonly, one of the parents has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The infant is required to be self-reliant emotionally from a very early age and adapts to take care of themselves through manipulative behaviours, without regard to the needs of others, in order to survive. This early adaptation persists throughout life. The Narcissist is fundamentally alone and supports themselves through orienting solely to obtaining whatever they need, including supporting their sense of self worth by repeatedly putting others down, seeking external validation and success, fantasising and attempting to control their environment to maximise chances of survival. At the root of the disorder is deep shame at having ‘failed’ to bond with a caring parent in the earliest years and a deep rooted fear of being unlovable. This is masked by grandiosity or remaining hidden, striving for success and fantasies which deny reality, alongside a condescension and devaluing of others. The shame is visible in the overreaction to challenge, failure, rejection and criticism. 

For those close to the Narcissist, life alongside them can feel emotionally draining. The relative, partner or employee is constantly attempting to form a reciprocal relationship with a person who is operating by an egotistical rule book, in which the aim is to gain maximum advantage, rather than negotiate a mutually agreed pathway forward for the benefit of both parties. A romantic partner or child of a Narcissist finds themselves endlessly managing the emotional outbursts and readiness for conflict which life with the Narcissist brings, investing effort into all the mundane aspects of life that the Narcissist deems unworthy of their attention and constantly giving in to demands. The devaluing, gas-lighting, irrational behaviour, manipulation, load from responsibilities which are not being evenly shared and, in some cases, isolation from support, lead to the partner feeling exhausted and struggling to maintain their sense of self. They may head towards low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. If there are overt bullying and shaming behaviours or violence, trauma may result.

Narcissists tend to have unstable romantic relationships. Their uncaring and controlling behaviour inhibits formation of stable attachment bonds. Longer term relationships tend to be formed with partners who are highly sensitive, empathetic and compassionate towards the needs of others and to their own guilt or shame. Typically, these partners are flexible, tolerant and concerned with reciprocity and fairness. A negative cycle is set up where the partner repeatedly attempts to gain the approval and avoid the disapproval of the Narcissist through being fair, tolerant and reasonable, which allows the narcissist to control the relationship through invoking guilt or shame for real or imaginary misdemeanours and repeatedly demanding empathy for their needs, while denying and dismissing the needs of the partner. The partner works ever harder for less ‘reward’ from the Narcissist, who is never satisfied.

How to interact with a Narcissist

There is no effective way to handle a Narcissist to achieve a caring, reciprocal relationship. They are ego-centric and have the goal of meeting their own needs over and above those of others. To this end, they will coerce or manipulate those who stand in their way. They operate in a transactional mode, so their personal goals are prioritised every time over the requirements of the relationship with another person. If they can be persuaded that there will be personal gain in taking a certain course of action, it may be possible to gain cooperation, but by nature, they will oppose any effort to direct them, even when the outcome may be in their better interests, as retaining control is a primary goal. True negotiation with a Narcissist is not possible due to the ego-centric perspective and lack of empathy.  Being assertive, through clear, non-aggressive expression of feelings, wishes and needs, is rarely met with a positive response outcome. Pointing out transgressions of boundaries is more likely to result in aggression and retribution than in a change of behaviour. At best, it may achieve an insincere apology. The other person is left choosing which battles to fight as the outcome may worsen the situation, rather than improve it, and will be exhausting. However, persistent submission can also lead to a deterioration in the situation, as the dynamic becomes increasingly imbalanced.

Requests for them to seek treatment or couples/family therapy are unlikely to achieve lasting change.

One option for a person who finds themselves in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave and cut contact, however, this may be impossible when there are shared responsibilities, such as joint finances, assets or children. In this case, it may be possible to plan for a partial exit, while putting legal boundaries around joint responsibilities and for contact to go through legal channels. This may result in a protracted and expensive legal process, if every step is contested. In the case of physical danger, seeking to be removed from the situation through domestic abuse support processes may be necessary.

However for those who remain in the relationship, measures for self-protection are necessary:

• Understand the behaviours, where they arise from and what triggers them.
• Mentally identify and label behaviours such as irrational thinking, denial of reality, lying, projecting their issues and seeing them in the other person, attempts to invoke guilt or shame through blame and criticism, disrespect and devaluing, crossing of boundaries, aggression in bodily stance and tone of voice, threats and veiled threats, adopting the victim stance to gain sympathy and reverse the focus onto their own needs, dismissal of the point of view and emotions of others as irrelevant and avoidance of responsibility for their own actions.
• Understand how to be assertive, in stating clearly feelings and desired outcomes. Actively choose when to be assertive, when to stand ground and when to let things go.
• Seek external support with a professional therapist who is familiar with Narcissistic abuse. Explain your situation to empathetic family members and friends. Contact domestic abuse support helplines for advice or Samaritans for emotional support. Contact the police if there is immediate danger of physical harm. Seek professional legal advice.
• Be aware of the effects of a relationship with a Narcissist on mental health. Check for signs of anxiety, depression, trauma and low self-esteem. Seek medical assistance if required.
• Engage in activities which are supportive of mental health through good self-care practices: eating a healthy diet, exercising, engaging in enjoyable hobbies, group activities, ‘flow activities’, spending time in nature and appropriate relaxation through reading, gaming or watching television. Work may provide satisfaction and support for good self-esteem.
• Practice emotional self-care through self-compassion exercises, tapping therapies, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to retain a balanced view and meditative, faith-based or philosophically-based practices. Keep a journal to retain perspective and a sense of self and process difficult interactions. Actively recognise and manage guilt and shame and disengage emotionally during conflict.
• Consider a longer term plan to engage less closely with the Narcissist and build a life which supports emotional distancing.